The Drama King...

"Jeremy, you know that you live for the drama. You can't help but be around it and just become part of it. You are the biggest drama king that I have ever seen."

 The downside of literally being the only man that works at the Baristo Bar is that I have to contend with about 15 women. Now, I have dealt with women my entire life on so many different scales, that you think that I should be able to handle it. But the the truth is this, each woman brings a different drama to the world. What's even worse is that there are men that are just as bad as women are. I have seen "manangement" go into a "tizzy" over something that a woman has said or done. Drama has become the way of dealing and talking to people these days. I was just recently involved in some drama that involved 4 different people.

 "Jeremy, everyone has drama in their life. Your not any different!"

 I agree to the extent that people have alot of issues that they can bring home or work. But there is a choice of not bringing it, not dealing with it and better yet, not allowing it into your life.  I have tried very hard over the years not to bring my personal life and work life into each other's arena. Now, there are some people that I work with or know that I feel comfortable enough to tell them some things that maybe going on in my life and for them, I could be the same thing. But there has to be a line. You have to know when and where to draw that line. Even more so, you have to cut people off before it get's to the point of getting out of control. Now there are times when I even get caught up in it and totally get a "high" off of it. But the truth is that I hate it just as much as the next person. As a man of God, we should want nothing to do drama in our lives, much less in anyone else's. With drama, that means that a door can be opened for Satan to just come in to our lives and just make an even bigger mess of the situation.

 I like to think that Jesus caused some drama while He was walking this Earth. Now, don't take what I just said the wrong way. He simply revealed to them their issues or thoughts and how to deal with them. When Jesus was attracting the "lost" to Him, the pharisee's of the day I am sure went into "drama overdrive" in dealing with Him. They lied about Him saying that He was using demons to cast out demons. Here Jesus was, simply spreading the love and peace of our Heavenly Father, and the people around Him or the priests of the old day were causing drama around Him. But, He was also quick to shut it down too. He wasn't going to give the devil any place that try to ruin and wreck  His ministry. The people of the New Testament were still living under the "old law of the Ten Commandments" and were captive to that thought. But Jesus, the Son of God came to stir up and reveal to the people that there was a way to come back into God's presence and to have a relationship with Him all over again. If you don't think that it didn't cause some drama back in those days, you need to think again.  I like to call Jesus "The Drama King."  I don't mean that in a bad way either. i am just clearly saying that Jesus came to "set us free" from the bondage of the law, reveal our sins and to teach us the authority that we have because of His sacrifice.

 So guys and gals, learn to recognize the truth behind drama. Learn to cut it off and to stop it before it gets out of control. Especially among believers, it can do even more damage than we would be able to recognize. It brings "discord" when there should be "harmony." 

 So the next time someone comes up to you and says "Jeremy, you are not going to believe what happened to me last night with Bob!" Learn to shut it down. Become the "Drama King" or "Drama Queen" by knowing what Christ did and showed us how to deal with it. Otherwise, just live with the "world's drama."

The Men of the Old Testament Versus The Men of Today...

 "Jeremy, let me show you what a real man looks like" a customer says...

  These are words that I have heard a million times over as a young man. As a matter of fact, there isn't a man that hasn't heard this at least one time in their life. Over time, the identity of "men" has changed due to societies take on the responsibilities of men and women having a significant place in the workforce today. When women became part of the workforce, some men I am sure felt a little insecure or even attacked by that move. Woman today as just as important today as men are today in the workforce, at home and in society itself.

  But the side-effect of that is that men have lost themselves and who they are because of such changes. As a young boy, I was raised with my sister by a single father most of our childhood. Our dad was our world. I saw how much he sacrificed for me and my sister. My greatest and best childhood memories are living with my dad as a young boy. Now, my father is not a "believer," but he certainly instilled "biblical morals and principles" to me and my sister. He was a typing shadow of the Old Testament men of the Bible. He was willing, able and ready to defend his family and friends at a monents notice. He worked hard to provide, sought out ways to teach his kids and was a strong disciplinarian.

  The men of the Old Testament have always fascinated me to a great extent. These men were nothing but farmers, carpenters and mason's. But in their greatest moments of strength or weakness, they relied not on themselves, but on the Heavenly Father. Alot of them made some mistakes along the way, but the truth is that they knew that God was there to guide them. All men of the Old Testament were warriors and soldiers. They fought battles for years upon end, and returned home to the wife and kids. The women were charged for taking the "reigns" while the men were off fighting. Have you ever noticed that women took the "reigns" while men went into battle everytime? From the dawn of time and even today with the War in Iraq and Afghanistan women have fulfilled the call on their lives. That is an amazing testimony to how God works and gives strength to those who need it during difficult times. But the times have changed. Men go off to battle in many different ways these days. We work, play ball with the kids and sleep, leaving all of the decisions to the wife to make. The Old Testament men were head of their household, made all of the decisions, and still provided for his family during times difficult times. Abraham is a good example of the "Old Testament Man."  He was a tent maker that was called by God to lead his people to the land of Caanan. Abraham was called "the father of a multitude" meaning that he waas going to be an example of what Godly mean should be like. But, like most men, Abraham made a few mistakes along the way. Even though he made those errors, he never lost sight of his responsibility and love for God. He is probably the best example of a Godly man that went to work, went off to war, tested by God and was counted by God "unto righteousness."

  The men of today are so consumed with the things of this world, that we have lost sight of what God has called us to be and to do. Today, most men don't even recognize that we are truly the "head of the household." As men, we are to discuss with our wives anything that could arise under his "authority." Now, you may find it disturbing or even insulting that a single man is discussing the things or giving advice to the "married people." NOT TRUE AT ALL!!! I have the ability and honor of seeing some great marriages through family and friends. But, I also have to prepare myself for the time when God calls me to be a husband and father to a family. By studying His Word and seeking advice of Godly counsel, I can try and act on the things of God and what He has called me to be. Being financially stable is great, having a Godly woman as a wife is even better and knowing the foundation that Christ has given us is the key to all marriages. Men throw that verse "wives, submit to your husbands" so many different ways, that many men are single because of that thought. The truth is this. When Paul is talking about being "submitted" , he is saying that we are first and foremost to be submitted to Christ who is the example of how He loved, adorned and presented the Church to the Father without spot or blemish. The Blood of Jesus washed the "true church" of any issues. What is the "true church?" That's for another day. But back to what I was saying...

  Men, when are we going to see and do what God has called each and everyone of us to do. "Well Jeremy, I work alot of hours and I come home to a house of screaming kids, a nagging wife and a pile of bills. You just don't understand!"

  "Your right, I don't!" I have none of those things that you have mentioned." But be an example to me and other men of how you put your faith and trust in God to evercome those things. To guide your family not only through the good times, but even more so through the bad times. Encourage us single men in relying on God and not of the things of this world. Call us out if you see something that may harm us in our lives. I have a great brother in Christ, Chad who has no problem calling me out on alot of things. He is a great man of God, great source of encouragement and a good example of a Godly husband. A couple of years ago, I did something that I thought was okay to do. But, in a loving manner, he called me out on it. He didn't do it out of hate or spite for what I did. He did it, because he thought that it could be a stumbling block to myself. Chad is one of few people that I can count on one hand that can do that to me and I wouldn't take it in a bad way. But, most men wouldn't have done what he did. Most men would have said, "I wanna see more." Chad was watching out for me and encouraging me not to go down a path that could lead me into a much "deeper and darker place."  This is an example of "Godly men."  On the Day of Pentecost, men were empowered by God, through Jesus's sacrifice and resurrection and baptized and filled with the Holy Spirit to go out and fulfill the call on everyone of their lives.

The men of those days had such a boldness and a fire for God, that most of them died in proclaiming the Gospel. These men did nothing but taught, spoke and preached what Christ had revealed to them. In times of great struggle, they "encouraged those" that needed it most. They were not moved by the "wars of this world" and walked in the God-given authority that they received through Christ. That is the power of God. That is how we should be today.

Men, I just want to encourage you today to seek after the things of God. Don't let these things of the world beat you down or try and overtake you by force. Be strong, run the race, endure the persecution, but always keep the faith. Lean on God, take back what God has already given you. Proclaim the victory that Christ has given you already during the battles. Most of all do this....

 Praise God in All things...

The Cold, The Fire and Coffee...

  "Yes people, it is still cold outside!"

  But that has truly never stopped me or anyone else from driving or walking a couple of miles to get a cup of coffee. Here reccently, the state of Texas experienced some of it's worst weather in 20 years. The ice was the worst of it really. Texas people claim they know how to drive in this weather, but the truth is, THEY DON'T!!!

  It all started on early Tuesday morning with freezing rain. I heard it coming, but the result of the rain came the next day with alot of ice. Every bit of it was frozen like Lake Placid. I woke up that day and bundled myself up really good. The wind was blowing hard, the roads were solid ice and the snow was coming in.

  Now, I walk to work just about everyday. I have some great friends that have helped me or have offered to help me get home or to work in the past. Most of the time, I walk because that is my little alone time with God. One friend asked me, "Jeremy, why did you walk in this weather?" The truth is that I was the safest one on the road because of the weather. I saw cars, trucks and semi-trucks go into the ditch because of the weather and the roads. But here is a funny truth about walking in the cold. I never felt warmer walking in walking to work in the cold...

  "Jeremy, you are messed up in the head! It was so freaking cold, I didn't leave the house!"

 The truth is that when your in the Presence of God, you really have no idea what is going on around you because your not focused on the surroundings. You are focused in on God. I always put my praise and worship songs on while I am walking to work. It helps me get in a better mood if I am in a bad mood. It re-shifts my focus onto God instead of myself. Once I get myself out of the way, then that allows God to do a work in me. I have rebelled so much here lately in the things of God, that it has literally robbed me of some great things that God has for me. But I noticed that when I was walking to work in the bad weather, that there was an "inner fire" that burned within me. The internal thermometer in me never got cold or "hypothermic." I was in His Presence...

  Now your thinking, "God is with us always." And that is true. But we are not always in His Presence. I think back to Old Testament times where the high priests had to dress a certain way in order to enter into God's Presence. Yet here I was bundled up in some old work clothes, gloves and a scarf and I was still able to enter into God's presence. I like to think that the "fire of the altars" burns in me today.  If I am willing to sacrifice myself and lay down my needs versus the needs of the Father. Now the real reason that the fire that burns in me is that once I felt a touch from God.

 Now there is nothing that could ever compare to the warmth, the Presence and a touch from God. When I say nothing, there is NOTHING!!! To sit here and say that there is a "warm, fuzzy feeling" when God puts His arms around you, it's a lame term to use. Walking to work in this bad weather may have sucked in the natural, but the truth is that God kept me warm the entire way to work and going home. Now even though it was great to drink a cup of coffee when I got to work or when I got home, it doesn't compare to the feeling of love and warmth to our Heavenly Father.

I liked the story of the "Burning Bush and Moses." The fire and warmth of God was so pure, that the bush did not burn nor did it bring harm to Moses. It was a symbol of God's enduring fire and Presence in our lives. Moses entered  into the Presence of God and was told to remove his sandals for he was walking into His Presence. But Jesus provided a way for us to enter into and leave our sandals on. When the Blood was shed and then poured on the Mercy Seat, Jesus tore the veil or opened the door for us to enter into the Holy of Holies or His Presence. That is how awesome God really is.

So it's okay to sit by the fire and get warm, drink a cup of tea or coffee to help you feel better. But when it comes right down to the truth, the "enduring fire and warmth" that burns within us can only come from God. That fire can only come from God and the desire to chase after Him. I like to use this term, "the desire brings and burns the fire." But the desire and the burn can get cold and slowly die when we don't chase after Him. Chase the desire and keep the fire. That's what is going to keep you warm.

So when you go home or go to work, look at your coffee cup and ask yourself this?

"What is keeping me warm these days?"

Holding Fast to the Resolution...

Well it's that time of year again, "The New Year's Resolution?"

 We all go through this every year. We try and "hold fast" to the changes that we think can or will effect us for the rest of our lives. Whether it's losing weight, trying to be a better person or whatever it is, we so much want to stick to the "CHANGE."

 But I often ask myself, "why don't I hold fast to the change that I want so much to make?" Is it laziness, timing, job or families. What is it that makes us just give up?

The definition of resolution is "the act or process of resolving." Resolution is an "act." How many times do we act on the things of this world that will satify our flesh, our checking accounts and or our families. Some great "heroic acts" have been made throughout history that has changed the course of our world. But we have also had some "terrorist acts" that have changed the course of the people of this world. The one thing that is common in both of these events is this, the people "held fast" to the idea or the cause. Throughout the course of history, "holding fast" has been cemented into our minds that if we want something so bad, that we stick with it.

 The same should go when practicing our faith. Even if you don't lose all the weight that you want, you shouldn't waver from the idea or your CONFESSION!!!

 I like the verse in Hebrews 10:23 where it says "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful."  Why would he say something like this? Because he knew that people have always been tossed by the ways of this world when it comes to there faith. I am no stranger to being a "backslider" or allowing myself to be "shifted in my faith" over the years. Like many of us, I have always confessed that Jesus is my Savior and Lord. But I have allowed circumstances or even my job defer me from sharing the Gospel. I have not "held fast" to my "act of faith." My "act of faith" is not sharing the Word of God like I am supposed too. I am not fulfilling my "New Year's Resolution."

 Now this year, I make the same resolution. That I obviously want to grow and prosper in the things of God. But there are also some personal changes that I want to make in my life and walk with God. One of them is to "be still and be quiet." I have for far too long allowed people to tell me what I need to hear. It is time for God to tell me what I need to hear. Another one is to "be slow to anger." Obviously with my job, I have customers that will always complain and try to rub you wrong when it comes to their drink. I learned a long time ago from a friend this verse, Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Many times I have to say this in my head while they are complaining. I hate being angry and allowing people to get the best of my anger. That is not who I am created to be. That is not the "new creation" that Jesus called me to be. We are to walk in love to each and every person that comes across our path. That is part of "holding fast to our faith." Treating people the way God treats us. That is one of the weapons that the enemy uses against people all of the time. By planting thoughts in our heads about something or someone. Working in the retail and food industry, there is someone that will always be unhappy or make a complaint. ALWAYS!!! They will try and plant bad thoughts into our heads about something, whether its their coffee or something that is going on in their life. The enemy will use them as a weapon. Believe it or not!!!

 In Matthew 16:20-25, Jesus starts talking about the prediction of His death and ressurection. Peter starts yelling "never Lord, this shall not happen to you." I like what Jesus says in response, "Satan, get behind me. You are a stumbling block to me, you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but that of men."

 Satan will use the people that you are closest to or even those we see everyday to become "stumbling blocks." That is when we "hold fast" to our confession and our faith. Our faith teaches us that we have defeated the enemy already. We have to walk in that victory over him.

1 Peter 5:8 Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

 But take comfort in this, 1 John 4:4 Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

 You have already overcome your resolutions and everything that has come against you through faith in Christ Jesus. "Hold fast" to your confession and the "faith" that powers you to do those great things for the Kingdom of God.

 So when you set your sights on your "New Year's Resolution" this year, proclaim, speak and hold fast to the victory that Jesus Christ was born to provide, walked in the victory, and died in the victory so that we would be victorious!!! I pray that each person that reads this has a great, blessed and prosperous New Year and to encourage you to chase after God like you have never done before.

 God Bless you All,

Buckwheat...

A Year Past, The New Year Comes and You Drink the Same Coffee....

 The year has come to an end.

  I have seen great blessings happen in my life in this past year and have seen even more to the people around me. But in the same breath, I have seen some great tragedies in other people's lives as well. 

  Death, loss and seperation has hit the body of Christ especially hard in alot of people's lives this year. Some people don't believe in the saying "with the good, there has to be some bad." I have seen great good in my life, but I have also seen evil in my life as well. One of my "evil's" this year was losing with my focus. 

  I lost sight of my first love................God the Father.

  I made a decision in my life early this year that literally saved me from losing myself and from losing my relationship with God. With 2011 just a day away, this is the time when people start talking about the "New Year's resolution." When we talk about resolution, we talk about making a change. We also talk about making a resolve to family, friends and others. We want to make a change.

  But with change, comes either great satisfaction or great sadness. But I have noticed about myself in the past few years that everytime I make a New Year's resolution, I never follow through because of the fact that I either don't want to, or the true desire is not there for change. I call that "drinking the same coffee."

  People are always wanting to try something new, even if they don't like it or don't even want to. They are willing to try, even for a short moment. And I will prove it to you. Here is the list of New Year's resolution.

Weight

Stop Smoking

Get Married(that is mine)!!!!

Find a better job

Become a better husband or wife

  And the list goes on and on for many of us. I always tell my customers that they need to make a change in their "coffee life." Most of them say "I know, I know." Most of my customers though will never make that change with their coffee, because they are comfortable with it. They are safe and okay with what they have. They won't allow change to ruin their daily routine.

   But the truth is that change took place over 2010 years ago. Jesus made the biggest change in everyone's life when He went to the Cross. The change that He made gave us the ability to change not only ourselves, but the lives of people around us. In realizing that the Blood of Jesus Christ has changed me personally, I want nothing more for people to get that same revelation of who they are in Christ. I want them to truly see how powerful they really are. I want that same revelation as well. I know that I am powerful and that God want's nothing more than to use me in mighty and powerful ways, but I let myself get in the way. I want to be so sensitive to the Holy Spirit, that the Presence of God is literally knocking people over when I walk in the door. That is to be my New Year's resolution. I want to touch someone's life and for them to just feel an "inkling" of God to the point of just falling to the ground and giving Glory to God in the highest Praise. Being touched by the finger of God will forever change your life and always for the better.

  I was just recently told by a wonderful friend, that at many times I can be "rude, crude and just plain mean." Where in the Bible does it show that the Disciples of Christ were acting like that towards people while trying to witness to them? If I am to be "Christ-like", I have to take on the same characteristics that Jesus taught the Disciples. That means not being a "rude, crude and just plain mean" kinda guy. There are so many thing's that I need to change in my life and writting them down on a piece of paper would do absolutely no good. But the truth is that I need to make those changes so that I can be more "Christ-like." I am pretty sure that Jesus didn't cuss like a sailor when He was talking to the Disciples, or He was throwing back a Jack and Coke when He got home from preaching all day. I am not saying that I do all of these things, but my mouth has gotten me into alot of trouble over the years and it is time for a change. I truly believe in my heart that I am generally nice to people, but I also don't let people slap me around either.

But I also know that I can change it as well. There is a saying that "acknowledgement is the highest form of flattery." I like to say it this, "a change in yourself is always pleasing to God." That is what we must do for the New Year. We must change ourselves with the help of our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. That is the only thing that can save us from ourselves.

Change does the body good...

So on this ending note, I want to wish each and everyone of you a Happy and Prosperous New Year. May God continue to Bless you and your family throughout 2011 and the future to come.

To all of my friends in the United States Military, I pray that each and everyone of you come home safe, thank you for your sacrifice and the sacrifice of your families as well. God Bless everyone of you!!!

Blessings from the Most High God,

Buckwheat the Baristo

(aka Jeremy)

Buckwheat's Personal Testimony...Part #3

He answers the phone, "Yo bubba, what's going on?"

I was fighting back the tears and trying not to lose it over the phone. "Got some bad news dad" I said.

"Okay, what's wrong?" he says.

"Well, there was a robbery at mom's workplace today and there were alot of people injured in the midst of it. Mom was hurt really bad."

"Son, what's going on? Just tell me."

"Mom is dead!" I cried out... "She is dead."

The phone got silent. I heard my dad take a deep breath and say "oh man." Then I told him what had happened. For the most part, there was nothing that he could say. He just sat there and listened to me tell the story and I would hear the occasional whimper. Since I am not a parent, I never knew or could understand how it feels to see your child get hurt in a way that literally rips you to the bone. Dad told me that this was the only time in his life that he felt so helpless because this was a wound that he couldn't kiss and make it feel better. He would later tell me that it pained him to see his kids in so much pain, that he literally got sick over it. I just remember telling him that I wanted him here in Texas so bad. He said that he would be there.

As the week went on, we planned the funeral, family came in from all over the place, people and cousins that we hadn't seen in years. One of those people that we hadn't seen was mom's brother, David. This was the first time that I had seen him since I was about 6 or 7 years old. My sister wanted to just stay away from him, but I was not shy about talking to him. I have always been the one who didn't want to rock the boat. When David arrived, I saw his wife Clydene and my cousin Joanna. I remember just hugging Joanna for a long time. I think that we were both excited by the fact that we finally got to see each other after all these years. There was a rift in the family for years, but none of that mattered now. They were here. Another person that showed up was our Cousin Jimmy. He always considered himself the "black sheep" of the family along with mom. Jimmy was a professional entertainer that had a close relationship with mom as well. They had very similar personalities and emotions. Jimmy took mom's death very hard.

As more family arrived, so did the stress level. Me and Charity were retreating into the back bedroom and just trying to hide from everyone. Funny, when your around family, you are supposed to feel great and warmth and love. It wasn't that we didn't feel that, it was there were just alot of people. As the day got closer to the funeral, the more family would come in. I would see mom's sisters, Marsha, Sondra and Pam. Sondra was the oldest, Marsha was second and Pam was the third child. Mom was the baby.

You know, I usually enjoy family reunions, but this one I did not. As the day was approaching for the funeral, the details and arrangements were being made. Now me and sis were sitting in the dining room talking about pallbearers and who was going to carry mom to the grave. I knew in my heart that mom wanted me to carry her to the grave. One of mom's friends suggested otherwise, that i should be sitting with the family and that the son doesn't do that during funerals. Sis just sat there and agreed with her.

I was so mad...

I just had someone tell me that I couldn't carry my mother who was just murdered to her own grave. Take a little piece of advice from me on this. If you are ever doing or planning a funeral for a family member, and you want to be a part of it, DO IT!!! Don't let anyone sway or talk you out of it. You will feel robbed if you don't. But that was just the beginning of things.

The worst was yet to come...

Buckwheat's Personal Testimony...Part #2

And so the nightmare has begun...

After I regained somewhat of a composure, I had to take a deep breath and get my focus, even if just for a minute. The lead detective had explained to me what had happened and that a ex-employee was a suspect in the killings, but they were looking for him. It wouldn't be until the next day that they would locate and arrest him. We later found out that the person that was arrested and charged with public indecency just days before the killings. The only thing that I could think of at the time is, "what am I gonna do? How is this happeneing to me?"

Once the officer was finished, I told him that my stepfather was on his way up to the police station and that I had to meet him outside. As I walked through the doors of the police station, a victim's counselor grabbed my arm and pulled me to the side. Her name is Cindy. She would later become one of my greatest friends that I would ever have. She was about 110lbs and was 4'8. She was so sweet and always there to hear me cry. She looked up at me and said "Do you wanna hug?"

I lost it...

That is when I really knew that the dream was real...

I remember falling to the ground and she just hugged me. Even as tall as I am, she and I were the same height with me on the ground. Haha!!! I always teased her about that. Cindy would become a very important part of my life after this day. She would help and teach me how to deal with some of the things that I was about to face. As I got up off the floor, she gave me her card and told me to call her if I needed anything. I started walking outside and I could see David walking up. I got sick at my stomach.

"Where is she?"  David asks.

"Uh, I need you to sit down dad. I have to tell you something."

"Just tell me where she is." David says.

"She's gone!" I said.

"What? What do you mean she's gone? Where is she? What happened?"  David says.

"There was a robbery at the carwash and mom was injured and she didn't make it. She's dead."

He dropped to the ground and cried. I never saw my stepfather cry before until this moment. I have never had to deliver the "bad news" to anyone before. I was about to become the "messenger" for this. David stood up and ran to his truck. I said "where are you going?" All I heard was the carwash. He went looking for his wife. I tried to stop him, but he just left. One of the officers told me that they were taking mom's body to Parkland Hospital. He said that he would escort me down there if I wanted to. I said "let's go." As we were in the car, he was telling me of things that were to come out of all of this. All I kept thinking was, "mom is dead." He said that there were somethings that he needed to know about mom and that he had a few questions for me. We pull up to the emergency room entrance at the hospital.

Here I go...

I see David sitting in the waiting room with his brother Tim. There were a bunch of cops and doctors standing around him just talking. David walks up to me and says "she's gone." My response, "I know." He had accepted it, even though he didn't want to. Tim said, "Buckwheat, what am I going to do?" Tim and mom were very close. The way they played off of each other, you would have almost thought they were brother and sister. Tim was one of the people who took it the hardest. As we were sitting in the waiting room, a doctor walked up to us and asked for someone to identify mom. David had walked off and went to the bathroom. Tim said, "Buckwheat, wait for David." I said, "I will do it."

"Buckwheat, let David do it." Tim says.

Tim, I can do this."

I walk with the doctor down the hall towards the morgue where they were keeping the bodies. Felt like I was walking the "Green Mile." I walked into this room with a TV screen. The doctor said that an image of her will appear on the screen. It wouldn't be her face, but a part of her that would be recognizable. Then the TV came on.

It was her hand that had her wedding ring...

I won't go into detail of the images that I saw, but I recognize mom's wedding ring. If anyone knew mom, they new the ring. It was huge. She considered it to be her prize possesion amongst her jewelry. But when I say the ring, I said "that is her." And that was it. There was nothing else to be done or said. I walked back out to the waiting room and saw David and Tim standing there. Nothing was said.

"Buckwheat, take my truck back to the house and I will ride with Tim." David says.

"Okay, I will meet you at the house." At the same time, I was thinking of my sister. I tried calling her a couple of times before I left and never could get a hold of her. When I made it to the house, I learned that a friend of the family had gotten a hold of her husband and he was able to find her and tell her. She was 7 months pregnant at the time with her youngest. I wouldn't see her until I got to the house out in the country.

I remember that when I got into David's truck, I just had a moment to myself to just sit there and cry. I just wanted to do nothing but cry and for someone to hold me and say that everything was going to be okay. I kept thinking, "How am I gonna do this?" I start up the truck and head towards the apartment that we all had shared. As I walked into the apartment, David and Tim were already there. David was on the phone talking to his daughter Cheryl. He had the hardest time telling her what happened and passed the phone over to Tim. He couldn't do it either.

"Tim, give the phone to Buckwheat." David says.

A deep breath and here we go. This is the second time that I had to tell someone that mom was dead. It wasn't getting any easier saying it. I grabbed the phone from Tim and said "hello." Looking back now at all of this, God knew how I was gonna pull through all of this. He chose me for this time, only because He knew I was capable to stand strong in all of this. God was there with me, but I wish more than ever that I had been with Him in all of this.

"Cheryl, hey it's me." All that I heard was screaming and crying. "Cheryl, calm down, I need you to take a breath and calm down." She started to slow down and get herself together somewhat. When she got to the point of being able to talk to her, that is when I told her what had happened. As soon as I told her, the crying started all over again. Then all I heard is "click." She would call back a few minutes later and I got her somewhat calmed. But there was still one call that i had to make before I did anything else.

My dad...

My dad and I have never had the best father and son relationship due to me. I have always been a great liar, especially when it comes to my father. My father has always paid the price for my lies. Yet, like our Heavenly Father, he has always taken me back. I remember calling him that day. I had made so many calls before I called him, that I hated making this one above any of them. How do you sit there and tell the your dad that the mother of your children has been murdered? Truth is, there's no handbook. That is the truth!!!

So I dialed his number and he answered, "Hello."

"Hey papa, it's me."

I just hated this call...